I’ve been on a hiatus. Truth is, I haven’t been feeling very well. I’ve been hiding out. Not from others, or from the reality of my illness, but perhaps from the feelings that can take me to bad places.
My disease is progressive. So far, it’s only gotten worse. My doctor acknowledges the course of my MS. She says it’s slow, at least. And this is true. So, there’s that. It’s gnawing away at me so slowly, but with a level of persistence that is terrifying. My doctor speaks of a plateau that could exist; a comfortable place where my disease decides to stay for a while. Take a break, I think. You’ve been working so hard to destroy me. Even a short rest sounds so lovely to me, but entirely unimaginable. My disease has been progressing for over a decade. Why stop now? Giving up is weak, and this disease is fierce.
Every time I’ve sat down to write in the past few months, what comes out is so negative. A reflection of how I feel. I don’t want to promote it, but it’s not fair to hide it either. It’s not fair to deny the downs that I can experience, the emotional and physical pain that all people with MS can experience. In reality, I’m a positive person. But my life with MS is very difficult and I don’t have to hide it.
I always want my words to be helpful and meaningful for others affected by MS. And I haven’t felt that anything I was writing would accomplish this goal. Then I finally found the purpose in my sharing how I feel. I’m sharing how I’ve been feeling, not because someone wants to read that I’m having a hard time, or to bring down others, but because maybe it might help someone feel less alone. If you are tired, afraid, frustrated, or feeling lost; I’m right there with you. But I can’t stay long. I’m working on a comeback.